Surfacing

Me - Just coming out of a low with the residue of feeling useless. Been there before. To the same hollow self. Who and What am I really?. Crazy question after 50 years of life. Clueless.
Arun - What I have realised is that the search for self is useless, so I have stopped searching. Just be and bask in that being. No point trying to find ones worth because, the parameters of worthiness are again made by society, which in any case is itself worthless. Just be, don't try to be!
Of late I've realised a few things and that has made my life simpler. The art of unlearning.
Me - If I just be, I find I'm a zombie like cipher. Uncaring, unfeeling. Mind, intellect, learning and memory absconding. A messed up life and no desires. Tough to bask in that.
Tell me more...
Arun - 1. Become an ordinary person.
More follows. Just chew on these statements without necessarily commenting on them. To read it is not the same as realising it. Its an altogether different dimension!
Me - I am the consequence of how my genes responded to life's experiential learning. I became bipolar. I wish I could become an ordinary person. With normal capabilities. Confident that all that is required of me is to be good and do good, and have the faculty to discern that. Just be a normal ordinary guy with caring, feeling, intellect and reason. Worth is a search for those faculties that my brain chems and genes seem to have put in doubt. What I wrote about my being are real tangible issues. Its weird and tough for a ordinary person to grasp.

That wasn't a response to the message in what you wrote. That was helplessness. That words, even visuals and other stimuli are recognised, but there's no thought response. Just a blank mind.
Arun - What ultimately matters is....what is and not what it is a consequence of. You are lucky in a sense that you don't have to worry about your future. You only have to stop looking at the past. You can afford to be in the present without bothering about any liability whatsoever. Don't try to analyse whether and why you are bipolar or unipolar. Live this moment.