Learning

Why does learning have to be experiential. Why can't hindsight be transposed as foresight. So much misery would be spared all around. Still hope that proving the Theory of Relativity may do that!!

Time

Me: The best fall-out of idleness is the irrelevance.
Arun: The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it
Me: The more one has to do the less time one gets to do it. Less or more activity, there'll always be time paucity.
Arun: That's because we are not only racing against the clock, but against the time.
Me: So when the minutes of our lives are added, many second thoughts will nag. About the times we sought in the time we had. The great moments over the years were never the clockwork kind.
Arun: The clockwork type starts when you start living for a lesser purpose---read earning

Whither thought

There is this recurring angst like feeling.Why is there no thought. Despite inputs from sight, sounds, touch, feel, one just stares blankly. None of the sensory triggers activate a memory. There's just this blankness of mind. And its all pervasive...all day. Even on my walks, its zombie like motion. Then one becomes aware of the state and a process of introspective questioning starts. Why? What?....
Over the past six months I've come up with a hypothesis. Since there is hardly any memory, none is triggered. There is only forced recall that comes up as snapshots. No emotions attached. Huge gaps in a life lived, yet seemingly unknown. Since memory is so shallow, there's no connectivity to present day exp;erience. Hence no base for social conversations.
The basic issue is the lack of an emotional framework. I'm just a zombie like shell with no imagination as a result.
Thought seems to be on a single track. Often wondered how thoughts germinate. How people flit from one thought to another.....

the context of "covenants of angst"

Arun - I have realised that the aphorism about wine woman, and wealth is true, though I am still not so sure about the first one.

The piece actually got triggered by your suggestion at Barog to write about relationships. The first start point in such cases is usually one's own. And that leads to ones current situation. It reflects the evolution and permanence of two key relationships. The first part the matrimonial relationship and the last para the parent-child one. It was written in a hopeless, anxious mood as one would expect from a 48 year old, whose marriage is on the rocks, whose suddenly become aware that he has been a failure on all fronts, son, husband, career-wise et al. And the worst part was that the awareness didn't register in any way. One was still okay and game with ones life/actions and their consequences. Yeah there was the pain in the situation, but it passed pretty quick. No repentance or regret. No clue either as to what one is going to do with one's life, but that also isn't a worrisome aspect. Is this apathy or what!!!!!
Any way, thats the background to the piece. Now read it again and see . They are the hindsight aphorisms from my life...........Ciao

covenants of angst

The heyday of youth, now seems the nadir of life
The joys and ecstasy, aren't even frozen in time.
Mating games played, then institutionalised
Dreams born in courtship. soon plummeting Icarus like.
.........A covenant of togetherness, no longer sublime.

From exhilaration to joy, to becoming each others toys
Till the games of life, demanded habits be set aside.
The rituals of living, dulled the sheen of youthful thought
And best foots forward, ceased to be reflexive shots.
........A covenant of monotony, in acts without feeling.

Came many forks in the journey, but perseverance prevailed
Companionship evolved, to a facade that reigned.
Feeling got drained, in more ways than one
Degrees of freedom, in dungeons serving out their terms.
........A covenant of silences, so many desires unsung.

When finally one set out, on the road less traveled
The attendant screeches and taunts, never cease to marvel.
Could a life together, have bred so much hate
For once upon a time, this couple did mate.
........A covenant of misery, that only apathy sustains.

Lifes come full circle
Back to the sanctuary of the hearth.
Care givers long ignored
Now caretakers when it hurts.
Most other bonds, didn't stand the tests of time
Here the sins of ommission and commission
Are even now forgiven, as the whims of a child.
.........A covenant of blood, inextricably sealed at birth.

freeing my mind....learnings in mid-life

Suddenly this loner
confronts the sense of being alone.
So much lost in transition
So little one has chosen to hold.

Bonds that strengthened,
take on hues of binding constraints.
Relationships taken for granted,
now seemingly beyond the pale.

Who am I, what am I,
gets a new found relevance.
Fundamental truths un-addressed,
clinically delivered now with new meaning.

Blind I've been to the turf I trampled
what got caught under-foot
just another's pain...... so conveniently oblivious.
The whys and wherefores now an emotional strait-jacket.

Feel I did then and feel I do now,
but stuff still gets lost in translation.
Never been able to fathom the Hows
or reckon that relationships are more than just milch cows.

The strength that was the sense of aloneness
suddenly is but a dark dank place
a cubicle confine in that strait-jacket
putting one so definitively now beyond the pale.

So what now with all this awareness
does it really change my Whys n Whats n Hows.
Much will continue to be lost in transition
maybe the knowledge will release one..... from yet unspoken vows.

SPACE……..

Space……,
the Final Frontier.
Chronicles of the voyages of discovery,
Confined to a Universe charted by self.

Space……,
Defined by acknowledged degrees of freedom,
manifest in behaviour patterns
that try to stay in sync with the mind.

Space........,
Oft a chimera
against a backdrop of binding constraints.
Yet seek we do, oft only to find,
that solace comes easy …..
only in the playgrounds of ones mind.

U b u, n me b me.
In the facades we erect
The ‘twain do meet.
No scratching allowed though
below the surface
Who I am, why I am
Ain’t for public consumption.

The internalised Universe
has been mapped to a T.
It’s all black and white
No greys to be seen.
Just cocoons of intent….
Waiting to break free.

And there will come a time
When the cocoons will pupate.
Carrying intent on wings
Like butterflies blossoming.

Till then cloaked in isolation
I shall remain
Secure in the knowledge
Of the facades I need to maintain.

With such clarity comes
a luxury oft cherished
Ain’t no need no more
for the introspective habit.

Life’s now on auto-pilot…… in activity mode
Regression to the cocoons now provide
The adrenalin boosts.
Outwardly smiling, inwardly crying
Chronicles of the voyages of discovery,
In a Universe, charted by self.

The Final Frontier is still open to exploration.
Space need not be just isolation.
Cocoons too can be shared
With open minds.

Butterflies are free,
once they break out of their pupa,
graduating out of environments
that both protect and confine.

Space….. by then
May cease to have meaning
No more pre-defined orbits
Just individual flights of fancy.

I hope you arrive
to where you wanna be
just don’t miss out on the journey
and remember dreams are for free.
Ain’t very good sense to mortgage your todays
For an uncertain tomorrow
U hope may come your way.
What-if scenarios charting out the future
Don’t provide basis for checking
Conclusions versus initial definitions.

And yet we seek
Space……,
the Final Frontier.
while chronicling the voyages of discovery,
Confined in a Universe .....charted by self.

free your mind, let your spirits soar......

I think, therefore I am,
I am therefore I know,
I know, therefore I will,
I will, therefore I must,
I must, therefore I can.

I can, therefore I must,
I must, therefore I will,
I will, because I know,
I know, because I am,
I am, because I think,
Yet........ when I think,
I don't want you to know,
.................Who I am.

I am, so I think myself to be,
I know, but its not for the world to see,
I will, keep my universe to me,
I mustn't let the world encroach on me,
I can survive, on the island that is me.

It's very important to challenge "certainity",
and to suggest "possibility" instead.
You do need to decide whether
you are indeed willing to have your mind changed!!!!
More often, different opinions,
can all have their own validity.
To refuse to change an opinion,
is an indication of a rigidity which is far from beautiful.

Free your mind, let your spirits soar.

managing kalu

Hey you guys, tis good to know that somebody cares. Managing me won't be a problem at all. Its baseline right now and the mind isn't in its ups and downs. Here's a small brief about the situation:
the domestic front has been botched up since 1990. In the manic phases , including the 1990 episode always saw myself as a stud and perchance there have always been women in my life. Not on the global scale as jha but yeah infidelity has been a constant, linked to mania. The relationship with my folks also got botched up. So domesticity was generally a cycle of quiet to lambasting and back to quiet. Today we are at a stage where even the smallest disagreement leads to a character assassination tirade.
Question often asked is why have I been tolerating it.The fallout of rounds of poison calls to people is that I am responsible for not keeping her in check. All I know is that its become impossible to bear. The proverbial straw that broke the camel,s back was when in Sadhika's presence she accused me of having eyes on Sadhika and my daughter didn't even feel the need to even tell her to cut such crap. Can't blame anybody but myself. I am her father after all. Career issues were also a factor, especially my not getting promoted and what people would say. Yeah the societal frame is an important reference point for her.
All in all misery on every front. So balls to it all and cut-loose. What am I gonna do. Got some broad ideas lets see.
All that is just an overview, more when we meet. And there's really no need to call out the cavalry. I'm fine.
Ciao.