At 23, I had my first manic depressive attack. Underwent insulin coma therapy that triggered another cycle of mania and depression that took 8 ECTs at AIIMS to stabilise. Those 8 months were the start of an extremely disruptive ride through life, punctuated every 3 years, with cyclical regularity, by manic depressive swings that ate into the foundations of domesticity. strangely, in the periods in between, one never got around to asking and understanding WHY. Maybe it was the relief of shedding the feeling of uselessness that one was steeped in during the two to three months of each depressive cycle. The need to convince oneself of normalcy and project it. Get caught up in ones activity cycle while attempting to cover up for all the aberrant mis-adventures that one perpetrated during the month or two in a manic state.
Add to that the underlying lack of purpose and ambition and one got rooted, by default into a here and now approach to life. Instinct not thought was the locus for action. A battered psyche's instincts however, primarily steer one to a cocoon of introversion. And the pent up extrovert aspirations get played out when manic.
Despite the intensity and fallout of the first episode, one had no awareness of the disease. Access to the internet was nil in the early '80s. Treatment at AIIMS was OPD assembly line. The stigma of seeing a shrink on a regular basis, even finding one without the world knowing seemed an impossible task. The ones that Arun lined up during each episode tended to be in his area of west Delhi, a long drive from the south where we lived. Net result...regular medication was very erratic all through the 80s and 90s. I was supposed to be on lithium, but he apprehension of facing a chemist and asking for the meds without prescription, or others finding out about them through questions he might ask, always freaked me out. And of course, the lack of reflection on ones situation meant almost a denial of the disease in the periods of normalcy.
Life just went on, with periodic screw-ups (literally!) followed by angst like moments of wanting to kill oneself because one couldn't cope with life, then normalcy again. One roller coaster ride. 'Twas only after I blew a job in Brunei, when in went low immediately after arriving for a short term assignment and blowing it in '92, that the real import and awareness of the disease dawned, through my research about it on the net.
By then the infidelity during the '89 manic episode had rocked the foundations of the marriage. The fact that she was carrying Bay2 at that time really compounded hurt and the insensitivity of the breach of faith. But then feeling was something I never felt. And man! it seemed I was living who I wanted to be while manic. And attractiveness to women was a huge need. Funny there was always one during each manic phase. The king-of-the-world syndrome, tell tale of a bipolar disorder. Its a real high. You feel like you're God's gift to the world. Everything's achievable. This is who you were meant to be! That you are a pain in the butt for the rest of the world doesn't register in your self centric, heightened sensory perceptive world.
God knows where all that energy comes from or goes, briefly surfacing from somewhere within me. No clue at all where that energy comes from. Does though, for a short spell, every three years. I so wish that I could harness the clarity of thought, that revel in those desires for living and the confidence in the ability to fulfill them. Tapping somehow the positives of that font of energy that one desperately wished to believe is me. But then so is the void of uselessness/helplessness that envelops one in a depression, as the tailwind to each manic high. Its all in the brain chemicals they say. Whether its Nature or Nurture is akin to the Chicken or egg debate.
One knows now that, in conventional wisdom terms, one would be seen as an introverted, dull boring, cold, uncaring and uninteresting guy with poor social skills. No guilt or remorse for ones actions since, thought of consequences, never came into the frame ever.
An ability to be doing nothing, and not be bothered being in that state of idleness.Since there's nothing one wants to be doing or feels like doing, until there is some stimulus for some activity. Its a life of reactivity that's explained by the dictum...What is, was meant to be.
A realisation that till I was unaware of my Self, of the true extent and worth of my knowledge, skills and abilities, there was confidence and little self doubt. Seems paradoxical, but its amazing now to realise how easily superficiality could see one through life. Situational intensities fueled by a desire to be recognised, stemming in all probability from my deep seated inferiority complexes, projected an attitude of confidence. Seen as behavior from conviction, especially in an environment of mediocrity of a hierarchy bound organisation. Oh! what a con on myself and the world.
The postures were rarely tested to see how deep below the skin they actually ran. Hence there was no real cause for one to introspect either. The belief that "what you see is what you get" just rubbed off as self image. Sadly there was never any observation and/or reflection on What is or was. Life was all in the here and now, largely instinctive. The basis, top of the head response...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Transition from 50
When you're woken up by a sight and sound out of the ordinary,
It's like waking up to a dream extraordinary.
Thot and feel linger,
And the senses register,
A very good morning by far.
31.3.10 9:58 AM
Woke up to a memory of gentle lips kissing a part of me.
Wish they'd lingered on that wake up call,
and graduated to places
they were meant to be....
1.4.10 9:02 AM
Here today, gone tomorrow.
That's the transiency of being.
Yet memory oft casts aside,
the feeling that envelops the here and now presence.
Those moments...albeit transient,
Register as a well spent present
that'll add glow to the yesterdays of experiences.
The joys of What is....are in what you make of it.
What could or should be....was not meant to be.
2.4.10 8:15 AM
Awareness of who we are, oft begets a realisation that, one seems to have grown out of relationships, that were meant to grow on you.
A binding constraint that one now recognises is
the need to relate, as the basis of relationship.
Needs that were innate, created comfort zones that evolved till space is no longer a constraint.
Tis the freedoms that are confining.
2.4.10 8.16 AM
You are the point
The point is you.
Thats the onus of your name,
A template to guide you.
It takes an aberrant dot
to spawn a pearl.
And the world outside the oyster,
to realise it's worth.
2.4.10 1:46 PM
Share....
That's from one who cares enough and knows,
The value of a sounding board.
It's the articulation that clarifies
the echoes in the mind.
....Last words at ground zero.
It's like waking up to a dream extraordinary.
Thot and feel linger,
And the senses register,
A very good morning by far.
31.3.10 9:58 AM
Woke up to a memory of gentle lips kissing a part of me.
Wish they'd lingered on that wake up call,
and graduated to places
they were meant to be....
1.4.10 9:02 AM
Here today, gone tomorrow.
That's the transiency of being.
Yet memory oft casts aside,
the feeling that envelops the here and now presence.
Those moments...albeit transient,
Register as a well spent present
that'll add glow to the yesterdays of experiences.
The joys of What is....are in what you make of it.
What could or should be....was not meant to be.
2.4.10 8:15 AM
Awareness of who we are, oft begets a realisation that, one seems to have grown out of relationships, that were meant to grow on you.
A binding constraint that one now recognises is
the need to relate, as the basis of relationship.
Needs that were innate, created comfort zones that evolved till space is no longer a constraint.
Tis the freedoms that are confining.
2.4.10 8.16 AM
You are the point
The point is you.
Thats the onus of your name,
A template to guide you.
It takes an aberrant dot
to spawn a pearl.
And the world outside the oyster,
to realise it's worth.
2.4.10 1:46 PM
Share....
That's from one who cares enough and knows,
The value of a sounding board.
It's the articulation that clarifies
the echoes in the mind.
....Last words at ground zero.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Why..What is was meant to be
Introspection has not led to understanding. Though it has served up a plausible hypothesis, that one can comprehend, to explain Why I am the way I am, acting and responding in the way I do.
Its tough trying to understand oneself when the mind provides but patchy memories, evokes no feelings about all ones experiences and interfaces in life, whether in the present or on reflection. It sounds absurd not to be able to recollect a life one has lived. Not to recall a sense of the emotions felt in situations. not to be touched by, or feel in relationships even in the present.
The strange part though is that one lived 48 years clueless about these facets and, the kind of person one was.
That it was an aberrant life is borne out by the consequences. I really don't know if things could've been different. I guess not. That would require me to be somebody else.
Who I am, What I am, Why I am are just contextual realities defined by knowledge, skill and abilities acquired through life and utilised as best able, to maintain comfort zones one created. Spaces and situations that provided acceptance, inclusion. Ones choices guided by a need for approval and to belong.
Without any embedded values from family or religion, choice tended to be determined by "feel good' in the moment.Which basically meant coping with perceived low self esteem issues that came to be as a product of ones nurturing. No sense of family, peer bonding, skin color jibes and no direction. That's hindsight from introspection. Why the senses the senses are numbed by a veneer of apathy. Why thought and response are sluggish.
Why food and a roof over my head I now take for granted as a birthright, from my parents. Without conscience bothering me. I didn't ask to be brought into this world, so they too have to cope with the outcomes of my life and my state of being - a perspective that cocoons my existence now and..frees me.
My hypothesis of Why what is derives from a combo of the nature and nurture impacts. The resultant of how my genes - nature, coped with the experiential frame of my life - nurture. I guess that's true for everybody but when you start out with a potentially defective gene pool, what is nurtured also evolves into something aberrant.
A history of clinical depression on both sides of the family tree, may have primed my DNA. I became aware of that much after my first manic depressive attack at 23. An explanation for this....as obvious destiny?
Nurture led to the absence of an emotional framework - a void at the root of the many issues in my life. The lack of relationships and bonding provided little chance for feeling to develop beyond a sense. The early hostel years smothered the family bond. Completing schooling in another 4 locations in 2 countries saw one always on the fringes of peer bonding experiences.
Memories from that period play out as hazy, static images, occupying less than 5 minutes of conscious recall. Then again, memory and recall of all my life has this elusive still image quality. I'm never in the frame and there's no feel of the experience either. Just the flash of an image in the blink of an eye, a hint that an event took place, when one attempts recall.Its been 3 years of trawling what memory the mind has to offer. strangely, very little. Recall is mainly of consequences of aberrant behavior, showing a person I didn't know I was but must've been. The mind only dredges up what wasn't amidst the many deficiencies of a life that was. Its a bleak mind space in which I now roam, trying to understand, my persona so flawed.
I guess its difficult for the normal average person to picture a state of mind without thought, to feel no emotion, nothing touching you or triggering memory. Strange! But that's how it is. Maybe its just the years of neglecting to introspect. Reflect and understand oneself and ones purpose in this world that's resulted in a sieve like memory. Life happened but didn't register. It left an under developed thought process and framework of learning. I don't know if those are innate traits or learn't or just acquired by necessity. It appears that mine haven't served me appropriately.
I never knew nor thought about where I was headed. No weight of expectations, no direction provided. So, this place I am at now is where the roads that I traveled on, deposited me. Essentially, What is came to be because it was meant to be.
Escapist and fatalistic as that sounds, its a comprehension that keeps one away from the self pitying frame of "Why me?".
My hypothesis is that the nature-nurture combo dictated ones choices in seeking perceived comfort zones. Hence, What is, was meant to be. One chose it to be as per ones situational abilities.
I now seem to be a prisoner of my mind. Shackled by its inadequacies and fenced in by the deficiencies of being it keeps reminding me of. A mind that has abdicated its pro-activity in guiding the activities of my existence. Seems often to adopt a lobotomised state, leaving one staring vacantly without a feel or sense of what ones life is all about. Apathy is the closest description. Off and on, when one prods oneself into inquiring Why, all one gets are stills of moments from life that evoke no feeling nor tell one about oneself in that moment.
Though I don't really like who I am and what I've become, there's nothing I can do to change that. The absurdity of having lived 48 years of ones life ignorant of ones self though, is mind bowing.
Its tough trying to understand oneself when the mind provides but patchy memories, evokes no feelings about all ones experiences and interfaces in life, whether in the present or on reflection. It sounds absurd not to be able to recollect a life one has lived. Not to recall a sense of the emotions felt in situations. not to be touched by, or feel in relationships even in the present.
The strange part though is that one lived 48 years clueless about these facets and, the kind of person one was.
That it was an aberrant life is borne out by the consequences. I really don't know if things could've been different. I guess not. That would require me to be somebody else.
Who I am, What I am, Why I am are just contextual realities defined by knowledge, skill and abilities acquired through life and utilised as best able, to maintain comfort zones one created. Spaces and situations that provided acceptance, inclusion. Ones choices guided by a need for approval and to belong.
Without any embedded values from family or religion, choice tended to be determined by "feel good' in the moment.Which basically meant coping with perceived low self esteem issues that came to be as a product of ones nurturing. No sense of family, peer bonding, skin color jibes and no direction. That's hindsight from introspection. Why the senses the senses are numbed by a veneer of apathy. Why thought and response are sluggish.
Why food and a roof over my head I now take for granted as a birthright, from my parents. Without conscience bothering me. I didn't ask to be brought into this world, so they too have to cope with the outcomes of my life and my state of being - a perspective that cocoons my existence now and..frees me.
My hypothesis of Why what is derives from a combo of the nature and nurture impacts. The resultant of how my genes - nature, coped with the experiential frame of my life - nurture. I guess that's true for everybody but when you start out with a potentially defective gene pool, what is nurtured also evolves into something aberrant.
A history of clinical depression on both sides of the family tree, may have primed my DNA. I became aware of that much after my first manic depressive attack at 23. An explanation for this....as obvious destiny?
Nurture led to the absence of an emotional framework - a void at the root of the many issues in my life. The lack of relationships and bonding provided little chance for feeling to develop beyond a sense. The early hostel years smothered the family bond. Completing schooling in another 4 locations in 2 countries saw one always on the fringes of peer bonding experiences.
Memories from that period play out as hazy, static images, occupying less than 5 minutes of conscious recall. Then again, memory and recall of all my life has this elusive still image quality. I'm never in the frame and there's no feel of the experience either. Just the flash of an image in the blink of an eye, a hint that an event took place, when one attempts recall.Its been 3 years of trawling what memory the mind has to offer. strangely, very little. Recall is mainly of consequences of aberrant behavior, showing a person I didn't know I was but must've been. The mind only dredges up what wasn't amidst the many deficiencies of a life that was. Its a bleak mind space in which I now roam, trying to understand, my persona so flawed.
I guess its difficult for the normal average person to picture a state of mind without thought, to feel no emotion, nothing touching you or triggering memory. Strange! But that's how it is. Maybe its just the years of neglecting to introspect. Reflect and understand oneself and ones purpose in this world that's resulted in a sieve like memory. Life happened but didn't register. It left an under developed thought process and framework of learning. I don't know if those are innate traits or learn't or just acquired by necessity. It appears that mine haven't served me appropriately.
I never knew nor thought about where I was headed. No weight of expectations, no direction provided. So, this place I am at now is where the roads that I traveled on, deposited me. Essentially, What is came to be because it was meant to be.
Escapist and fatalistic as that sounds, its a comprehension that keeps one away from the self pitying frame of "Why me?".
My hypothesis is that the nature-nurture combo dictated ones choices in seeking perceived comfort zones. Hence, What is, was meant to be. One chose it to be as per ones situational abilities.
I now seem to be a prisoner of my mind. Shackled by its inadequacies and fenced in by the deficiencies of being it keeps reminding me of. A mind that has abdicated its pro-activity in guiding the activities of my existence. Seems often to adopt a lobotomised state, leaving one staring vacantly without a feel or sense of what ones life is all about. Apathy is the closest description. Off and on, when one prods oneself into inquiring Why, all one gets are stills of moments from life that evoke no feeling nor tell one about oneself in that moment.
Though I don't really like who I am and what I've become, there's nothing I can do to change that. The absurdity of having lived 48 years of ones life ignorant of ones self though, is mind bowing.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
What is was meant to be...
Me - One can learn about most of the Whys and Hows,
But one can't seem to learn how to feel emotion.
It takes more than an alphabet and vocabulary,
to discern the nuances underlying expression.
Maybe its something innate
that facilitates sensory articulation,
independent of language.
Feeling touched involuntarily.
To care enough to feel responsible for another.
sense of concern for their well being and happiness
that is reflected in proactive behavior.
And if that innate element is missing for some reason,
there's just no feeling.
Without emotion, there's no felt need. So no aspiration.
Life is just reflexive response to here and now feeling.
When I ponder Why,
the plausible explanations are many.
The need to know soon fades tho with the realisation that,
Even if I knew,
I'd still be the same me.
What's not innate
was just left out maybe.
Adding to the realisation that
What is ..was meant to be.
25.03.10...8:14 AM
Me - Its strange that you always seem to shy away from joining issue on feelings and emotions. Are you just being kind or, have you no wish to regress to psychoanalysis.
Arun - Not well. Will get back later.
But one can't seem to learn how to feel emotion.
It takes more than an alphabet and vocabulary,
to discern the nuances underlying expression.
Maybe its something innate
that facilitates sensory articulation,
independent of language.
Feeling touched involuntarily.
To care enough to feel responsible for another.
sense of concern for their well being and happiness
that is reflected in proactive behavior.
And if that innate element is missing for some reason,
there's just no feeling.
Without emotion, there's no felt need. So no aspiration.
Life is just reflexive response to here and now feeling.
When I ponder Why,
the plausible explanations are many.
The need to know soon fades tho with the realisation that,
Even if I knew,
I'd still be the same me.
What's not innate
was just left out maybe.
Adding to the realisation that
What is ..was meant to be.
25.03.10...8:14 AM
Me - Its strange that you always seem to shy away from joining issue on feelings and emotions. Are you just being kind or, have you no wish to regress to psychoanalysis.
Arun - Not well. Will get back later.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Me - If ever you realise that people can act without hidden agendas. That people CAN do things with only the others best interests in mind. Maybe then you'll bring less misery on yourself.
Her - The day you stop belittling and mocking people, you too would be less miserable.
Me - OK..
Afte5r all, misery is one's own to bear. Anothers view of the nature of that burden doesn't change its quality nor relieve the load.
If you feel my misery is greater or qualitatively worse than yours and it makes you feel better, so be it. ay your misery and what causes it be better than mine.
After proving points, we still have to bear our own crosses though!
Her - Frankly your messages are a big bore. I delete them without reading. The only cross I have to drop is you.
Me - Why reply then. It'll save both of us the bother. I wont bore you again.
Her - The day you stop belittling and mocking people, you too would be less miserable.
Me - OK..
Afte5r all, misery is one's own to bear. Anothers view of the nature of that burden doesn't change its quality nor relieve the load.
If you feel my misery is greater or qualitatively worse than yours and it makes you feel better, so be it. ay your misery and what causes it be better than mine.
After proving points, we still have to bear our own crosses though!
Her - Frankly your messages are a big bore. I delete them without reading. The only cross I have to drop is you.
Me - Why reply then. It'll save both of us the bother. I wont bore you again.
Intent..
Arun - Pack your bags,
go to the station without them,
catch the train,
and leave yourself behind.
Once is enough!
Me - If you feel the ned to journey,
You'll foreva be a traveller,
packing bags.....
that you hope will get left behind.
Departure and arrival are but destinations that locate or relocate you.
go to the station without them,
catch the train,
and leave yourself behind.
Once is enough!
Me - If you feel the ned to journey,
You'll foreva be a traveller,
packing bags.....
that you hope will get left behind.
Departure and arrival are but destinations that locate or relocate you.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Reality biting.
Peace of mind comes from acceptance of realities first, then finding ways to cope with them.
The past is history and most reflections on it tend only favor self pity. Why me?
There is no choice but to cope with what is, the here and now. Only issue is How.
Some realities:
A family environment is not likely to happen. We three each are and will be on our own. That's the first reality. No point hoping for companionship there. The extended family too can at best provide short spells of company, comfortably. So in terms of having family around you on a regular basis, whatever the location, the chances are slim. The reality then is that you are likely to be alone and family is not going to provide a solution to change that.
So you have to think of other ways to overcome the need to not be staying alone.
Accepting that, prioritise your other needs. And the realities linked to them. Aim for the achievable. Try and forget about the rest, unless you can do something to change that reality. Its about what can be and not what should be or could be.
So this is how it turned out. What are you gonna do about it. Crying in helpless frustration or, cursing your situation and those responsible for it or just leaving it to fate, don't alter the reality. They help pass time but if you wanna different future for yourself then, you have to define it, keeping the existing realities in mind and then do what you are able to do to make it happen. Beyond that keep reviewing and course correcting it.
The past is history and most reflections on it tend only favor self pity. Why me?
There is no choice but to cope with what is, the here and now. Only issue is How.
Some realities:
A family environment is not likely to happen. We three each are and will be on our own. That's the first reality. No point hoping for companionship there. The extended family too can at best provide short spells of company, comfortably. So in terms of having family around you on a regular basis, whatever the location, the chances are slim. The reality then is that you are likely to be alone and family is not going to provide a solution to change that.
So you have to think of other ways to overcome the need to not be staying alone.
Accepting that, prioritise your other needs. And the realities linked to them. Aim for the achievable. Try and forget about the rest, unless you can do something to change that reality. Its about what can be and not what should be or could be.
So this is how it turned out. What are you gonna do about it. Crying in helpless frustration or, cursing your situation and those responsible for it or just leaving it to fate, don't alter the reality. They help pass time but if you wanna different future for yourself then, you have to define it, keeping the existing realities in mind and then do what you are able to do to make it happen. Beyond that keep reviewing and course correcting it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A song 4 me
For the WMS President. A song we hope conforms to the basics of composition. That evokes beat and melody, and a possibility that maybe someday, you sing it as .....A song for me.
A song 4 me
I feel the world waiting on me
As I take time-out for harmony.
Checkin for emotional inspiration,
Not without some trepidation,
Aware that great expectations
Are heady intoxication,
That cancan get you high on life
Or just stuck in a bottomless pit.
When that cradle of creativity,
Becomes a sweatshop of activity.
Lyrics chasin tunes that conspire,
Hoping on reflection to inspire
A melody that my six string,
Takes beyond just casual strummin.
N a moment's born....
That's well worth the wait.
Chorus:
That's just a song waitin to break free.
Sittin on the horizon of creation
Hummin in anticipation
Of, surrender to me.
Thats My song for me.
Teasin glimpses thru the covers,
All the influences n make-overs
Shape the thots I have
that go into the making of
A song 4 me.
Its what your'e hearing now.
A songwriter takin a bow.
The pains of creating
hat make for new writing.
A chance to do what I luv best.
Give my voice an acid test.
See if I can get those feet tappin
So people......Is it happenin
Chorus:
A song 4 me
I feel the world waiting on me
As I take time-out for harmony.
Checkin for emotional inspiration,
Not without some trepidation,
Aware that great expectations
Are heady intoxication,
That cancan get you high on life
Or just stuck in a bottomless pit.
When that cradle of creativity,
Becomes a sweatshop of activity.
Lyrics chasin tunes that conspire,
Hoping on reflection to inspire
A melody that my six string,
Takes beyond just casual strummin.
N a moment's born....
That's well worth the wait.
Chorus:
That's just a song waitin to break free.
Sittin on the horizon of creation
Hummin in anticipation
Of, surrender to me.
Thats My song for me.
Teasin glimpses thru the covers,
All the influences n make-overs
Shape the thots I have
that go into the making of
A song 4 me.
Its what your'e hearing now.
A songwriter takin a bow.
The pains of creating
hat make for new writing.
A chance to do what I luv best.
Give my voice an acid test.
See if I can get those feet tappin
So people......Is it happenin
Chorus:
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hail the WMS President
There was this small town lass,
Beltin out rock, metal n jazz.
Who came to study at Hindu,
N became so fundoo,
She's now the President of WMS.
Hindu's Western Music Society calendar,
Is really gonna truly engender,
Music of great quality,
Drawin encores for eternity,
N the autograph seeker's thunder.
Our lass the pretty Rocker,
Will tear many hearts asunder.
the writings now on the wall.
Just need to keep walking tall.
Achievers always conquer.
Beltin out rock, metal n jazz.
Who came to study at Hindu,
N became so fundoo,
She's now the President of WMS.
Hindu's Western Music Society calendar,
Is really gonna truly engender,
Music of great quality,
Drawin encores for eternity,
N the autograph seeker's thunder.
Our lass the pretty Rocker,
Will tear many hearts asunder.
the writings now on the wall.
Just need to keep walking tall.
Achievers always conquer.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Arun - Awareness -OSHO
Me - Awareness can be total, and understood to be so only by the acceptance that what one is seeing is the absolute truth, freeing one of the need to understand it further. The process is the issue.What is the realm of knowledge that the mind accepts as known. Absolute knowledge is limited to tangible fact only. Yet the known forces recognition and therefrom, contextual evaluation, which is the basis of the process of understanding. Further knowledge seeking is a desire to understand other observed phenomena and stems from hypotheses building on these absolute Truths.Understanding grows hypothesis to belief to conviction to maybe another absolute Truth. Non negotiable beliefs are convictions that drive knowledge seeking. And dogma too!.
Was it the Big Bang and evolution or, Divine creation? Examples of non negotiable beliefs that drive knowledge seeking. Not doubts or deceptive pretensions but perceptions. Inherent byproducts of the relative nature of knowledge that drive the effort to expand the domain of absolute truths. To seek you need to believe. The slate can be kept clean only by testing, validating the hypotheses/beliefs that knowledge throws up as perceptions.
Conditioning comes from acceptance of vox populi opinion/norms/dogma, without thought. Awareness, No Mind results from clarifying belief emerging from perceptions that arise from knowledge....to absolute Truths.
Can one have an open mind till one believes it is possible!.
Arun - "Awareness can be total, and understood to be so only by the acceptance that what one is seeing is the absolute truth, freeing one of the need to understand it further. The process is the issue".....
Total Awareness is ONLY when there are no adjectives--neither acceptance.
Me - "Total Awareness is ONLY when there are no adjectives.." Great! Guess if you adjectivise he adjective awareness, it'll become to superlative for acceptance anyway! I don't know if it's just the semantics or something more, that is putting awareness and understanding beyond my reach. I think I'll stick with the realities I seem to comprehend!
Me - Awareness can be total, and understood to be so only by the acceptance that what one is seeing is the absolute truth, freeing one of the need to understand it further. The process is the issue.What is the realm of knowledge that the mind accepts as known. Absolute knowledge is limited to tangible fact only. Yet the known forces recognition and therefrom, contextual evaluation, which is the basis of the process of understanding. Further knowledge seeking is a desire to understand other observed phenomena and stems from hypotheses building on these absolute Truths.Understanding grows hypothesis to belief to conviction to maybe another absolute Truth. Non negotiable beliefs are convictions that drive knowledge seeking. And dogma too!.
Was it the Big Bang and evolution or, Divine creation? Examples of non negotiable beliefs that drive knowledge seeking. Not doubts or deceptive pretensions but perceptions. Inherent byproducts of the relative nature of knowledge that drive the effort to expand the domain of absolute truths. To seek you need to believe. The slate can be kept clean only by testing, validating the hypotheses/beliefs that knowledge throws up as perceptions.
Conditioning comes from acceptance of vox populi opinion/norms/dogma, without thought. Awareness, No Mind results from clarifying belief emerging from perceptions that arise from knowledge....to absolute Truths.
Can one have an open mind till one believes it is possible!.
Arun - "Awareness can be total, and understood to be so only by the acceptance that what one is seeing is the absolute truth, freeing one of the need to understand it further. The process is the issue".....
Total Awareness is ONLY when there are no adjectives--neither acceptance.
Me - "Total Awareness is ONLY when there are no adjectives.." Great! Guess if you adjectivise he adjective awareness, it'll become to superlative for acceptance anyway! I don't know if it's just the semantics or something more, that is putting awareness and understanding beyond my reach. I think I'll stick with the realities I seem to comprehend!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The results of Introspection!!
Me - I guess one needs to have a non-negotiable belief, that provides both the start and end point to understanding and realisation. God, spirituality, Mammon, rationality all provide articles of faith that anchor belief as well as guide the seeking to validate that belief.
If one doesn't have a belief anchor, the obvious perceived reality is all there is and understanding is limited to the temporal laws of cause and effect.
Why do beliefs get anchored differently as also their diversity? Maybe each mind realises it's own ability.
Arun - It's so funny that after so many years of introspection, we have reached at exactly opposite conclusions!
All beliefs are pretensions, and, deceptive. A belief closes the doors to knowledge and understanding. You believe in something only when there is an element of doubt in it. You don't believe in sun, trees and day and night, because they are there. There are different beliefs because of different conditioning of minds. What you percieve IS the reality, provided you don't put nouns and adjectives to it, because, you will be doing that according to your conditioned mind. The whole issue is to de-condition the mind and start with a blank slate, as they say, become a child again. You have to die to yourself to be reborn.
4.3.10
Me - The discussion, I think,is starting to resemble the Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Best to let the mind R.I.P
If one doesn't have a belief anchor, the obvious perceived reality is all there is and understanding is limited to the temporal laws of cause and effect.
Why do beliefs get anchored differently as also their diversity? Maybe each mind realises it's own ability.
Arun - It's so funny that after so many years of introspection, we have reached at exactly opposite conclusions!
All beliefs are pretensions, and, deceptive. A belief closes the doors to knowledge and understanding. You believe in something only when there is an element of doubt in it. You don't believe in sun, trees and day and night, because they are there. There are different beliefs because of different conditioning of minds. What you percieve IS the reality, provided you don't put nouns and adjectives to it, because, you will be doing that according to your conditioned mind. The whole issue is to de-condition the mind and start with a blank slate, as they say, become a child again. You have to die to yourself to be reborn.
4.3.10
Me - The discussion, I think,is starting to resemble the Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Best to let the mind R.I.P
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