What is....

There is a life worthy of recall,
but no memories to relive it.
No thoughts triggered,
by experiences in the present.
All those moments growing up,
now lost to oblivion.

Relationships forged, stand hollow without feeling.
No memories upon which
to reclaim a life now wasting.
Intensities I once know I felt
have evaporated without a trace.
I wonder how and why I've evolved to this state.
No thoughts, no feelings......
just an empty sensory shell.
The only explanations I have
centre on my genes and my bipolar self and
a lifetime of neglect in attempting to understand oneself.

The lack of an emotional frame
had a grounding in my upbringing.
About the absence of memories, I have no bearings.
Was feeling all through life
just superficial and sensory.
Here and now moments,
that despite felt intensity,
just never got etched in memory.
The emotional impact, all too transitory.

Explanations there must be
about the contributions to this state of being.
Remedies, barring lithium and anti-deps,
continue to elude ones thinking.
Is it only the brain chems?
Or was it in the genes?
Or was there more to the flaws,
something ingrained in the psyche?
What one did and became,
reflected in aberrant personality.

The experiences of life
have been robbed from memory.
Only half-baked hypotheses
as diagnosis for this callous eventuality.
The bottom line,
What is ... was meant to be.
Not fate or destiny but
the consequences of how this life was lived.
Why?...Well that hasn't unraveled fully still.