Me, My self

I started really discovering who and why I am only at 48. A life in shambles, with nothing but failure on all fronts staring me in the face. Husband, father, employee, son, all roles wherein I truly sucked. A fact I came to realize post April '07. After 48 years of an impulsive, unthinking and quite destructive ride.
Its been two and a half years now trying to make sense of it all. There are no pleasant realizations. A lot of what may appear to some as avoidable justification. But for me, its given real mind opening clarity. And that's where it all starts. From within my Bipolar mind.
A quarter century on a roller coaster of manic depressive cycles every three years. Rampaging through life, philandering to the dictates of a fractured mind, with intolerable consequences. And things finally came to a head at 48.
All I can say now is that what is, was meant to be. Why! is also clear to see. That doesn't ease the pain of those suffering nor does it absolve me of perpetration. But it charts the road ahead more realistically.
My bipolar cycles still plague, albeit with reduced intensity. When a low hits, the brain keeps reminding you of your inadequacies. A mood of helplessness sets in that totally freaks me out and the anti-deps take a couple of months to sort it out, and get me back on even keel. There seem to be no more highs though. When I'm low, the moot question always is "How does thought originate?" The mind is usually blank. On even keel too, the flow is slow.Thought comes activity triggered, rarely stray.
And when I'm back to the land of the free, I'm content applying my limited usable knowledge n skills to cutting and pasting stuff from the net mainly. That's about it for my originality.
The absence of recall provides little memory and feeling for proactive triggers. Thought comes for the sake of thought. Leaves me wondering if its just semantics or rooted in experience.
The lack of feeling is at the core of my problems. Nothing really touches me. Why? The fallout of my upbringing and life, I guess. I cannot learn how to feel.
I don't indulge too much in rational thought, even when a part of me rears up seeking meaning. The purpose of my existence, or the reasons for its continuance are not really thought provoking. I limit thought to the here and now. It matters not what I think or feel. I just drift through moments real.
Time is just a point of reference in the passage of the day. A constant that creates routine in its wake. Built around moments centered largely on inactivity. A reclusive and quiet life without a purpose. Which provides though, a sense of security.
No desires or wants or expectations that threaten. Living at a low level equilibrium. Why? A fact that I often question off and on.
I'm aware that I've caused lots of misery. Can't change whats done or, my inadequacies. Many see them as just my assorted fancies. But to me it was just an impulsive, unthinking ride.
Life is still as meaningless as ever. Qualitatively different and minus the drama. Secure in just going through the motions, unfeeling. And that's my life!! Not an experience I'd like to go through again.